Post by A Moment In Subtext on Mar 30, 2008 19:16:39 GMT -5
Ladies and Gentlemen, Perverts and Freaks of all ages, gather round. Its the moment you've all been waiting for, the first example of God's, er, brilliance. That's right, folks, its the Creation Story, the way it almost certainly never happened.
God: La-de-da. . . I'm bored. Nothing exists yet. Oh, 'yet!' *claps hands gleefully* 'Yet' is good, I can work with 'yet.' Hmm, what to do first? Um. . .oh! Let there be light!
Light: *exists* Are you talking to yourself, God?
God: What?
Light: That's the first sign of mental illness, you know.
God: I am not mentally ill!
Light: *rolls eyes* You're debating your sanity with the light. This isn't helping your case any.
God: Shut up.
Light: *smirks*
God: Oh, God help me.
Light: Uh, God?
God: Not one word, Light.
Light: *smirks*
God: *mutters* Smug bastard.
Light: Now, now, is that any way to speak to your firstborn?
God: I'll show you 'firstborn' you miserable little twat. *snaps Light in half* *it is still alive.* So.
Day: This is awkward.
Night: *counts to three* Gay Baby!
Day: There's no such thing as gender yet, stupid.
Night: I'm not stupid, you're stupid!
God: *sigh* Its going to be a long night.
Night: Guess that means I'm the boy.
Day: Dude, I love you.
God: *facepalm*
~
Day: God, aside for us, all is null and void.
Night: Its really boring. Like, really boring.
Day: Night, you're the boy. Quit it with the creepy prep stuff.
God: Boring? What do you mean, boring?
Day: There is nothing to do. At all.
Night: Except bother you.
God: Um. . .right. Let's fix that. *nods* Let there be, um, Heaven and Earth.
Heaven and Earth: *exist*
God: Better?
Night: Sorta.
Earth: What do you mean, sorta!? Ain't we better than the void that-
Heaven: Um, Earth?
Earth: -used to exist!? You can to to us can't ya? It ain't like-
Heaven: Um, Earth?
Earth: You got anything better to do.
Heaven: Earth!
Earth: What?!
Heaven: Aren't, isn't, and have, respectfully.
God: Maybe giving them voices was a bad idea. *turns them into just places*
Day: God, that didn't help at all.
God: Um, here. *populates Heaven* Go play with the angels.
Night: Why didn't you populate Earth?
God: I'm tired. I'll do it later.
Day: *pokes Earth* Its sorta. . .wet. Squishy.
Night: *opens mouth, closes mouth* Its too easy.
Day: *gives Night a look*
Snake: *looks at Earth* I could have done better than that.
God: Could not! I'm God, no one is better than me.
Snake: That's debatable.
God: *gasp* Take that back!
Snake: Never! I could so make a better Earth than you.
God: Could not!
Snake: Could so. Could have made a better Heaven, too.
God: Liar!
Snake: And probably a better me.
God: Blasphemy!
Snake: And I could handle them better too. *points to Day and Night*
God: Shut up!
Snake: Actually, I could do anything[/] better than you.
Night: *looks at Day* If they burst into song, I'm leaving. *Day nods slowly*
God: You could not! Get out! *throws Snake at Earth*
Earth: Gee, thanks God.
God: Um, I'll fix that. Eventually.
~ ~
God: Okay! I'm going to mess with the Earth now!
Night: *snickers* Shut up, Night. You know what I mean. *grabs Earth*
Earth: Eep! You pervert! *slaps God* You watch where you put your hands!
God: *rubs face* Ouch. Geez, sorry, I didn't realize you were such a prude.
Earth: *glares*
God: Its not an insult. Honest.
Earth: Whatever.
God: I'm going to try this again. *grabs Earth, carefully, and pulls land out*
Night: There is no reality in which this is not a sex metaphor.
God: Shut up, Night. It is not. *lets go of Earth*
Night: It so is.
God: *rolls eyes* I'm going to bed. *Night smirks* Alone!
~ ~ ~
Day: The land looks sort of lonely.
Night: And its a really ucky shade of brown.
God: *sigh* Why can't you two be happy with what you have?
Day: 'Cos we know you'll give us more if we ask for it.
Night: *snickers*
Day: Grow up, Night. So, God? Can we get a bit of color?
God: Well. . .I've got this rainbow, but I'm sorta saving it for a special occassion. . .
Night: *snickers*
Day: *smacks Night on the arm* Don't snicker at that! I think its sweet.
Night: You would.
Day: What the hell does that mean?
God: *interrupting* Okay! I'll cover the Earth with plants.
Day: Okay!
God: Day, you're in charge of most of them. Mae sure you feed and water them, okay?
Day: Sure, God. Thanks.
God: Night, you can be in charge of, um, six of them.
Night: *pouts* Why only six?
God: I don't think you're ready for such a big responsibility.
Night: They're just plants, God, not puppies.
God: Hey, hey! I'm the omniscient one, not you. Only I can see tomorrow.
Heaven: 'The future.'
God: Huh?
Heaven: Only you can see the future. Because the way you said it, the rest of us are going to go blind tomorrow.
God: *mutters* Might not be such a bad idea. *rolls eyes* And didn't I take away your voice?
Heaven: Oh, we vetoed that.
God: You. . .what?
Heaven: Nevermind. Also, puppies aren't actually until the day after tomorrow.
God: I said only I get to be omniscient.
Heaven: Only if you win the vote.
God: Vote? What vote? I didn't authorize any vote!
Heaven: Oh, yeah, we're a democracy now.
God: This can't end well.
Heaven: Well, the majority is with you.
God: Good. Who's my campaign manager?
Heaven: Who do you think? Archangel Gabriel.
God: Gabriel. Good. Good. Gabriel is good.
Night: *snickers*
God: Oh, shut up, Night. *doubletake* Wait, Archangel Gabriel? You have denominations now?
Heaven: Three or four, yeah. And the independants.
God: I hate politics.
~ ~ ~ ~
God: Um, Heaven? If puppies are tomorrow, what am I supposed to create today?
Heaven: *pulls out checklist* After planets, before puppies. . .birds and fish. You really ought to keep one of these. *waves checklist around*
God: Why? *takes checklist and starts examining it*
Heaven: Your disorganization reflects badly on your leadership. Its pulling your campaign down. Gabriel's trying to fix it, but. . .
God: He never was that good at pulling things back up.
Night: *bursts into laughter*
God: Shut up, Night.
Heaven: *giggling*
God: Of, for crying out loud! *creates Birds and Fish*
Night: *still giggling* I take it you don't make the Bee's until tomorrow?
God: What does that have to do with. . .
Realization: *dawns*
God: I hate you.
Realization: *still dawning*
God: That you, Realization, that will be all.
Realization: *leaves*
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Day: It's puppyday!
God: You can't call it that.
Night: It's puppyday!
God: You really can't call it that.
Earth: It's puppyday!
God: Seriously, guys, you can't call it that.
Heaven: It's puppyday!
God: Oh, what the hell? It's puppyday.
All: You can't call it that!
God: *facepalm* *creates Animals*
Animals: It's puppyday!
God: Oh, come on!
Animals: Sorry, God.
Heaven: God, you need to do something unexpected today. Something big, to swing the vote back into your favor.
God: *thinks* *thinks more* Got it. Let us create man in our own image!
Heaven: Did you just use the royal 'we'?
God: Um, maybe?
Heaven: Cool. You upped your popularity in one sentence.
God: *scoops some dirt off Earth*
Earth: *slaps God* I told you to watch it!
God: Whoops.
Earth: *mutters* Typical male. Doesn't understand the meaning of 'don't molest me.'
God: I don't suppose that helped any?
Heaven: Not so much.
God: *sigh* *makes Adam, sets him on Earth* Um, just curious, but. . .who am I running against?
Heaven: Er. . .*points uncomfortably to Night*
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
God: *stares at Night*
Night: *fidgets*
God: *stll staring at Night*
Night: *fidgets more*
God: *stares at Night some more*
Night: Cut it out, God. This is not my fault. Day set me up.
God: Day is the good twin.
Night: That's just what she wants you to think.
Heaven: Okay, the votes are in.
God: And? *crosses fingers*
Heaven: God, we've elected you to be Lord Almighty fr one term of Eternity.
God: *relieved sigh* Thank. . .me. *puzzled look*
Heaven: That fell sort of flat.
God: Didn't work at all.
Night: I lost. I lost. Do you know what that means?!
God: You and Day are going to experiment with S&M?
All: *stare*
God: *petulantly* What? I can make dirty jokes too.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Heaven: God, you realize that your Adam is just sorta lying there?
God: I forgot to bring him to life?
Night: *snickers*
God: *ignores Night* Really?
Heaven: Thanks. . .you, the election was yesterday. It still falls flat.
God: Erm, Earth? Sorry about this.
Earth: This will not end well for you, God.
God: *gulp, drags plants around Adam*
Earth: *slaps God*
God: *rubs face* *pulls Apple Tree out of Earth*
Earth: *slaps God again*
God: *rubs face again* *brings Adam to life*
Night: It still sounds like a sex metaphor.
God: La-de-da. . . I'm bored. Nothing exists yet. Oh, 'yet!' *claps hands gleefully* 'Yet' is good, I can work with 'yet.' Hmm, what to do first? Um. . .oh! Let there be light!
Light: *exists* Are you talking to yourself, God?
God: What?
Light: That's the first sign of mental illness, you know.
God: I am not mentally ill!
Light: *rolls eyes* You're debating your sanity with the light. This isn't helping your case any.
God: Shut up.
Light: *smirks*
God: Oh, God help me.
Light: Uh, God?
God: Not one word, Light.
Light: *smirks*
God: *mutters* Smug bastard.
Light: Now, now, is that any way to speak to your firstborn?
God: I'll show you 'firstborn' you miserable little twat. *snaps Light in half* *it is still alive.* So.
Day: This is awkward.
Night: *counts to three* Gay Baby!
Day: There's no such thing as gender yet, stupid.
Night: I'm not stupid, you're stupid!
God: *sigh* Its going to be a long night.
Night: Guess that means I'm the boy.
Day: Dude, I love you.
God: *facepalm*
~
Day: God, aside for us, all is null and void.
Night: Its really boring. Like, really boring.
Day: Night, you're the boy. Quit it with the creepy prep stuff.
God: Boring? What do you mean, boring?
Day: There is nothing to do. At all.
Night: Except bother you.
God: Um. . .right. Let's fix that. *nods* Let there be, um, Heaven and Earth.
Heaven and Earth: *exist*
God: Better?
Night: Sorta.
Earth: What do you mean, sorta!? Ain't we better than the void that-
Heaven: Um, Earth?
Earth: -used to exist!? You can to to us can't ya? It ain't like-
Heaven: Um, Earth?
Earth: You got anything better to do.
Heaven: Earth!
Earth: What?!
Heaven: Aren't, isn't, and have, respectfully.
God: Maybe giving them voices was a bad idea. *turns them into just places*
Day: God, that didn't help at all.
God: Um, here. *populates Heaven* Go play with the angels.
Night: Why didn't you populate Earth?
God: I'm tired. I'll do it later.
Day: *pokes Earth* Its sorta. . .wet. Squishy.
Night: *opens mouth, closes mouth* Its too easy.
Day: *gives Night a look*
Snake: *looks at Earth* I could have done better than that.
God: Could not! I'm God, no one is better than me.
Snake: That's debatable.
God: *gasp* Take that back!
Snake: Never! I could so make a better Earth than you.
God: Could not!
Snake: Could so. Could have made a better Heaven, too.
God: Liar!
Snake: And probably a better me.
God: Blasphemy!
Snake: And I could handle them better too. *points to Day and Night*
God: Shut up!
Snake: Actually, I could do anything[/] better than you.
Night: *looks at Day* If they burst into song, I'm leaving. *Day nods slowly*
God: You could not! Get out! *throws Snake at Earth*
Earth: Gee, thanks God.
God: Um, I'll fix that. Eventually.
~ ~
God: Okay! I'm going to mess with the Earth now!
Night: *snickers* Shut up, Night. You know what I mean. *grabs Earth*
Earth: Eep! You pervert! *slaps God* You watch where you put your hands!
God: *rubs face* Ouch. Geez, sorry, I didn't realize you were such a prude.
Earth: *glares*
God: Its not an insult. Honest.
Earth: Whatever.
God: I'm going to try this again. *grabs Earth, carefully, and pulls land out*
Night: There is no reality in which this is not a sex metaphor.
God: Shut up, Night. It is not. *lets go of Earth*
Night: It so is.
God: *rolls eyes* I'm going to bed. *Night smirks* Alone!
~ ~ ~
Day: The land looks sort of lonely.
Night: And its a really ucky shade of brown.
God: *sigh* Why can't you two be happy with what you have?
Day: 'Cos we know you'll give us more if we ask for it.
Night: *snickers*
Day: Grow up, Night. So, God? Can we get a bit of color?
God: Well. . .I've got this rainbow, but I'm sorta saving it for a special occassion. . .
Night: *snickers*
Day: *smacks Night on the arm* Don't snicker at that! I think its sweet.
Night: You would.
Day: What the hell does that mean?
God: *interrupting* Okay! I'll cover the Earth with plants.
Day: Okay!
God: Day, you're in charge of most of them. Mae sure you feed and water them, okay?
Day: Sure, God. Thanks.
God: Night, you can be in charge of, um, six of them.
Night: *pouts* Why only six?
God: I don't think you're ready for such a big responsibility.
Night: They're just plants, God, not puppies.
God: Hey, hey! I'm the omniscient one, not you. Only I can see tomorrow.
Heaven: 'The future.'
God: Huh?
Heaven: Only you can see the future. Because the way you said it, the rest of us are going to go blind tomorrow.
God: *mutters* Might not be such a bad idea. *rolls eyes* And didn't I take away your voice?
Heaven: Oh, we vetoed that.
God: You. . .what?
Heaven: Nevermind. Also, puppies aren't actually until the day after tomorrow.
God: I said only I get to be omniscient.
Heaven: Only if you win the vote.
God: Vote? What vote? I didn't authorize any vote!
Heaven: Oh, yeah, we're a democracy now.
God: This can't end well.
Heaven: Well, the majority is with you.
God: Good. Who's my campaign manager?
Heaven: Who do you think? Archangel Gabriel.
God: Gabriel. Good. Good. Gabriel is good.
Night: *snickers*
God: Oh, shut up, Night. *doubletake* Wait, Archangel Gabriel? You have denominations now?
Heaven: Three or four, yeah. And the independants.
God: I hate politics.
~ ~ ~ ~
God: Um, Heaven? If puppies are tomorrow, what am I supposed to create today?
Heaven: *pulls out checklist* After planets, before puppies. . .birds and fish. You really ought to keep one of these. *waves checklist around*
God: Why? *takes checklist and starts examining it*
Heaven: Your disorganization reflects badly on your leadership. Its pulling your campaign down. Gabriel's trying to fix it, but. . .
God: He never was that good at pulling things back up.
Night: *bursts into laughter*
God: Shut up, Night.
Heaven: *giggling*
God: Of, for crying out loud! *creates Birds and Fish*
Night: *still giggling* I take it you don't make the Bee's until tomorrow?
God: What does that have to do with. . .
Realization: *dawns*
God: I hate you.
Realization: *still dawning*
God: That you, Realization, that will be all.
Realization: *leaves*
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Day: It's puppyday!
God: You can't call it that.
Night: It's puppyday!
God: You really can't call it that.
Earth: It's puppyday!
God: Seriously, guys, you can't call it that.
Heaven: It's puppyday!
God: Oh, what the hell? It's puppyday.
All: You can't call it that!
God: *facepalm* *creates Animals*
Animals: It's puppyday!
God: Oh, come on!
Animals: Sorry, God.
Heaven: God, you need to do something unexpected today. Something big, to swing the vote back into your favor.
God: *thinks* *thinks more* Got it. Let us create man in our own image!
Heaven: Did you just use the royal 'we'?
God: Um, maybe?
Heaven: Cool. You upped your popularity in one sentence.
God: *scoops some dirt off Earth*
Earth: *slaps God* I told you to watch it!
God: Whoops.
Earth: *mutters* Typical male. Doesn't understand the meaning of 'don't molest me.'
God: I don't suppose that helped any?
Heaven: Not so much.
God: *sigh* *makes Adam, sets him on Earth* Um, just curious, but. . .who am I running against?
Heaven: Er. . .*points uncomfortably to Night*
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
God: *stares at Night*
Night: *fidgets*
God: *stll staring at Night*
Night: *fidgets more*
God: *stares at Night some more*
Night: Cut it out, God. This is not my fault. Day set me up.
God: Day is the good twin.
Night: That's just what she wants you to think.
Heaven: Okay, the votes are in.
God: And? *crosses fingers*
Heaven: God, we've elected you to be Lord Almighty fr one term of Eternity.
God: *relieved sigh* Thank. . .me. *puzzled look*
Heaven: That fell sort of flat.
God: Didn't work at all.
Night: I lost. I lost. Do you know what that means?!
God: You and Day are going to experiment with S&M?
All: *stare*
God: *petulantly* What? I can make dirty jokes too.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Heaven: God, you realize that your Adam is just sorta lying there?
God: I forgot to bring him to life?
Night: *snickers*
God: *ignores Night* Really?
Heaven: Thanks. . .you, the election was yesterday. It still falls flat.
God: Erm, Earth? Sorry about this.
Earth: This will not end well for you, God.
God: *gulp, drags plants around Adam*
Earth: *slaps God*
God: *rubs face* *pulls Apple Tree out of Earth*
Earth: *slaps God again*
God: *rubs face again* *brings Adam to life*
Night: It still sounds like a sex metaphor.