Post by A Moment In Subtext on Mar 30, 2008 19:20:14 GMT -5
So, lets paraphrase the story of Adam and Even.
God: So, Adam, how's Eden?
Adam: Well, it's really pretty and all-
God: *smug*
Adam: -but-
God: What do you mean 'but'?! Its perfect!
Adam: Oh, calm down, will you? Its just, there's nothing to do. It's boring.
God: Hmm. . .I can fix that.
Adam: *suspicious* How?
God: I'm God, I can do anything. Now shut up and go to sleep.
Adam: *suspcious* Why?
God: Look, you want to be bored for eternity? 'Cos I can arrange that, too.
Adam: Eep! *goes to sleep*
God: *rubs hands together gleefully* Oh, this will be fun. *grabs one of Adam's ribs and yanks it out*
Adam: *wakes up screaming* What the hell was that!?
God: *waving rib around* Pain. Get used to it. And stop bleeding, you'll kill the grass.
Adam: *looks miffed*
God: Oh, grow up. Its just a rib. Its not like I took out one of your lungs, or something. *turns rib into Eve* Here. Do her.
Eve: Hey! I am not an object!
God: *rolls eyes*
Adam: Ooh, pretty. *ogles*
God: Okay, Eve, her're the rules. Adam is in charge. You can do whatever you want, so long as its okay with him. Oh, and you can't eat the apples from the center of the garden, or you'll die.
Eve: Okay! Come on, Adam, lets do something fun!
Adam: I'm going to regret asking for this, aren't I?
God: *shrugs* What am I, omniscient?
Adam: *gives God a look*
God: Oh, right. *pause* Yes.
Adam: That's just great. Thanks a lot.
God: *smirks*
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Eve: *wanders by Apple Tree* Oh, pretty.
Snake: Hi, Eve!
Eve: *shrieks*
Snake: Ouch. Don't shriek, it doesn't suit you. Now, Adam, on the other hand. . .
Eve: *shakes head, hands on her hips* Oh, Snake, you're silly.
Snake: *wink*
Eve: *giggle*
Snake: So, I hear God said you couldn't eat these apples.
Eve: Yep.
Snake: Sucks, huh?
Eve: Yep. They're poison.
Snake: Really?
Eve: *nods* Uh-huh. They'll kill me if I look at them.
Snake: *shoves apple in her face*
Eve: *shrieks and covers eyes*
Snake: Are you stupid, or just incredibly dense?
Eve: Huh? *opens eyes*
Snake: You looked at it. You're alive.
Eve: No, I'm not. God said I'd die. I must be a zombie! That's so cool!
Snake: . . .
Eve: *hugz snake* Thanks, Snake!
Snake: Um. . .its even cooler if you eat one?
Eve: Really?
Snake: *nods slowly*
Eve: Okay! *eats apple* Oh, this is good. Adam!
Adam: *comes running* What? Are you okay?
Eve: Try this, its great.
Adam: Didn't God say-?
Eve: Don't worry, being a zombie is totally cool.
Adam: Oh. Okay. *eats apple* *ogles Eve some more*
Eve: *slaps Adam* You pervert! Don't look at me when I'm naked! *runs away*
Snake: *smirking*
Adam: That snake is ogling me. . .I'm gonna go hide now, too.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
God: Adam? Eve? Where'd you go?
Adam: We're hiding.
God: Well, stop it. Its bugging me.
Both: Sorry. *stop hiding, fully clothed*
God: What are you wearing?
Eve: Clothes. I didn't want Adam to see me naked.
God: You weren't even supposed to realize you were naked. What happened?
Eve: We're zombies now.
God: Oh, you didn't.
Adam: *points to Eve* She started it.
Eve: *points to Snake* He told me it was cool!
God: *facepalm* You're so doomed. *points at Snake* Don't you have anything better to do than ruin my people?
Snake: Not really. *winks at Eve*
Eve: *giggles*
Adam: Slut.
Eve: *gasp* Go-od! Adam called me a slut!
God: Oh for crying out loud! Both of you, out of the garden, now.
Adam: But, God!
God: Don't you 'But, God' me, Adam! You're lucky I'm not just starting over from scratch.
Both: Yes, sir. *leave garden*
God: Eve, since you are a slut, to moderate this I've made childbirth exceptionally painful, okay?
Eve: Um, not really.
God: Tough. Adam, since you're obviously not mature enough to obey even the simplest commands, you can give Snake the deed to the Earth.
Adam: Do I have to?
God: Yes.
Adam: Oh, fine. *gives Snake deed*
God: Good boy. Now, Snake, since you're a meddling brat, well, I don't have a fitting punishment. I'll just take your arms and legs instead.
Snake: But how will I move?
God: You'll think of something.
Snake: Can you make it, um, not painful?
God: Sorry. Its gonna be a while before anasthaesia exists.
Snake: Fuck.
God: Quite. *rips Snakes arms and legs off* Okay, thats done. Now, just to make sure you don't snak back in and do something even more stupid, I need a gate. *gate appears* Well, that was convenient. Now I need a guard. *pulls scroll out of nowhere* I need the seraphim elsewhere, them too, I need those angels for random proclaimations, and those so I can flood the Earth. I need Gabriel. . .well, just about everywhere, really-
Snake: Is that a euphemism?
God: Eve, would you please slap Snake for being a pervert?
Eve: Actually, I'm kind of curious too. *Adam nods*
God: Oh for Christssake!
Snake: Ha! I knew Jesus was really an ass-baby!
God: This is getting ridiculous. *closes eyes and points* Cherub!
Cherub: *appears* You know, your ability to make decisions is not why we elected you. The Heavenly Consititution prohibits point-of-the-finger decisions!
God: Oh, it would be a lawyer. And why do you look like a baby? You're supposed to be big and scary, I remember designing you.
Cherub: *shrugs* You're the one who snatched me up before I was finished.
God: Great. That's great. Um. . Oh, I know. Here's a big, scary, flaming sword to counter nur baby-like adorableness.
Cherub:*deadpan* Thanks.
God: *big grin, looks at Adam and Eve* Well? What are you waiting for? Populate the Earth already! Oh, and by the way, I'm not speaking to you unless you kill some cute, defensless little animals in sacrifice.
Eve: Cute, defenseless little animals? Screw that, I don't need to talk to you.
Adam: Um, Eve, now, honey, lets talk this over. . .*they wander off*
Snake: I bet Gabriel's on top.
God: *leaves*
God: So, Adam, how's Eden?
Adam: Well, it's really pretty and all-
God: *smug*
Adam: -but-
God: What do you mean 'but'?! Its perfect!
Adam: Oh, calm down, will you? Its just, there's nothing to do. It's boring.
God: Hmm. . .I can fix that.
Adam: *suspicious* How?
God: I'm God, I can do anything. Now shut up and go to sleep.
Adam: *suspcious* Why?
God: Look, you want to be bored for eternity? 'Cos I can arrange that, too.
Adam: Eep! *goes to sleep*
God: *rubs hands together gleefully* Oh, this will be fun. *grabs one of Adam's ribs and yanks it out*
Adam: *wakes up screaming* What the hell was that!?
God: *waving rib around* Pain. Get used to it. And stop bleeding, you'll kill the grass.
Adam: *looks miffed*
God: Oh, grow up. Its just a rib. Its not like I took out one of your lungs, or something. *turns rib into Eve* Here. Do her.
Eve: Hey! I am not an object!
God: *rolls eyes*
Adam: Ooh, pretty. *ogles*
God: Okay, Eve, her're the rules. Adam is in charge. You can do whatever you want, so long as its okay with him. Oh, and you can't eat the apples from the center of the garden, or you'll die.
Eve: Okay! Come on, Adam, lets do something fun!
Adam: I'm going to regret asking for this, aren't I?
God: *shrugs* What am I, omniscient?
Adam: *gives God a look*
God: Oh, right. *pause* Yes.
Adam: That's just great. Thanks a lot.
God: *smirks*
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Eve: *wanders by Apple Tree* Oh, pretty.
Snake: Hi, Eve!
Eve: *shrieks*
Snake: Ouch. Don't shriek, it doesn't suit you. Now, Adam, on the other hand. . .
Eve: *shakes head, hands on her hips* Oh, Snake, you're silly.
Snake: *wink*
Eve: *giggle*
Snake: So, I hear God said you couldn't eat these apples.
Eve: Yep.
Snake: Sucks, huh?
Eve: Yep. They're poison.
Snake: Really?
Eve: *nods* Uh-huh. They'll kill me if I look at them.
Snake: *shoves apple in her face*
Eve: *shrieks and covers eyes*
Snake: Are you stupid, or just incredibly dense?
Eve: Huh? *opens eyes*
Snake: You looked at it. You're alive.
Eve: No, I'm not. God said I'd die. I must be a zombie! That's so cool!
Snake: . . .
Eve: *hugz snake* Thanks, Snake!
Snake: Um. . .its even cooler if you eat one?
Eve: Really?
Snake: *nods slowly*
Eve: Okay! *eats apple* Oh, this is good. Adam!
Adam: *comes running* What? Are you okay?
Eve: Try this, its great.
Adam: Didn't God say-?
Eve: Don't worry, being a zombie is totally cool.
Adam: Oh. Okay. *eats apple* *ogles Eve some more*
Eve: *slaps Adam* You pervert! Don't look at me when I'm naked! *runs away*
Snake: *smirking*
Adam: That snake is ogling me. . .I'm gonna go hide now, too.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
God: Adam? Eve? Where'd you go?
Adam: We're hiding.
God: Well, stop it. Its bugging me.
Both: Sorry. *stop hiding, fully clothed*
God: What are you wearing?
Eve: Clothes. I didn't want Adam to see me naked.
God: You weren't even supposed to realize you were naked. What happened?
Eve: We're zombies now.
God: Oh, you didn't.
Adam: *points to Eve* She started it.
Eve: *points to Snake* He told me it was cool!
God: *facepalm* You're so doomed. *points at Snake* Don't you have anything better to do than ruin my people?
Snake: Not really. *winks at Eve*
Eve: *giggles*
Adam: Slut.
Eve: *gasp* Go-od! Adam called me a slut!
God: Oh for crying out loud! Both of you, out of the garden, now.
Adam: But, God!
God: Don't you 'But, God' me, Adam! You're lucky I'm not just starting over from scratch.
Both: Yes, sir. *leave garden*
God: Eve, since you are a slut, to moderate this I've made childbirth exceptionally painful, okay?
Eve: Um, not really.
God: Tough. Adam, since you're obviously not mature enough to obey even the simplest commands, you can give Snake the deed to the Earth.
Adam: Do I have to?
God: Yes.
Adam: Oh, fine. *gives Snake deed*
God: Good boy. Now, Snake, since you're a meddling brat, well, I don't have a fitting punishment. I'll just take your arms and legs instead.
Snake: But how will I move?
God: You'll think of something.
Snake: Can you make it, um, not painful?
God: Sorry. Its gonna be a while before anasthaesia exists.
Snake: Fuck.
God: Quite. *rips Snakes arms and legs off* Okay, thats done. Now, just to make sure you don't snak back in and do something even more stupid, I need a gate. *gate appears* Well, that was convenient. Now I need a guard. *pulls scroll out of nowhere* I need the seraphim elsewhere, them too, I need those angels for random proclaimations, and those so I can flood the Earth. I need Gabriel. . .well, just about everywhere, really-
Snake: Is that a euphemism?
God: Eve, would you please slap Snake for being a pervert?
Eve: Actually, I'm kind of curious too. *Adam nods*
God: Oh for Christssake!
Snake: Ha! I knew Jesus was really an ass-baby!
God: This is getting ridiculous. *closes eyes and points* Cherub!
Cherub: *appears* You know, your ability to make decisions is not why we elected you. The Heavenly Consititution prohibits point-of-the-finger decisions!
God: Oh, it would be a lawyer. And why do you look like a baby? You're supposed to be big and scary, I remember designing you.
Cherub: *shrugs* You're the one who snatched me up before I was finished.
God: Great. That's great. Um. . Oh, I know. Here's a big, scary, flaming sword to counter nur baby-like adorableness.
Cherub:*deadpan* Thanks.
God: *big grin, looks at Adam and Eve* Well? What are you waiting for? Populate the Earth already! Oh, and by the way, I'm not speaking to you unless you kill some cute, defensless little animals in sacrifice.
Eve: Cute, defenseless little animals? Screw that, I don't need to talk to you.
Adam: Um, Eve, now, honey, lets talk this over. . .*they wander off*
Snake: I bet Gabriel's on top.
God: *leaves*