ABOFAL -- Tris & Maxie: OMGZ HL is so HAWT!

[A Moment In Subtext]

A Bit of Fry & Laurie
A Bit of Tris & Maxie: OMGZ HL is so HAWT!
By. Cecilia Evans

Disclaimer: Neither Stephen Fry nor Hugh Laurie belong to me. I shudder to think what might happen if they did.
Spoilers: Um, vague spoilers for possibly everything, but you should be fine.
A/N: Yeah, its a spoof. Read far enough and you'll get to the cameo, huh?

X ~ x ~ X ~ x ~ X

Tris: Like, oh my gawd, Hugh Laurie is so hawt!
Maxie: Isn't he just. I mean, sure he's hot now, but he was incredibly attractive when he was younger.
Tris: I know! Like, in 'A Bit of Fry & Lauie'? So hot.
Maxie: Its the accent. Brittish accents are always hot.
Tris: Even moreso when they're real.
Maxie: Mm-hm. Of course, its not just the accent. He has great hair. It looks so soft, I just keep wanting to touch it.
Tris: I know! It just looks so, so, so pet-able! And his eyes!
Maxie: Oh, he has beautiful eyes. Gorgeous eyes. They're so sparkly!
Tris: And when he winks, or flutters them at the camera. . .
Maxie: So hot. And speaking of hot, did you see that thing he did with his tongue at the end of season four, episode five?
Tris: You mean at the piano.
Maxie: Mm-hm.
Tris: God, yes. That was so incredibly hot!
Maxie: And the audience laughed. That didn't deserve a laugh.
Tris: It deserved something else entirely. But while we've got Hugh at the piano, have you seen his hands.
Maxie: Piano fingers. God. Beautiful hands.
Tris: I know! You've just got to watch them, they look so skillful.
Maxie: And imagine holding one. Stroking the palm. . .
Tris: And on the subject of stroking body parts-
Maxie: Tris!
Tris: What? I was just going to mention the swimming pool scene. You know, the one where you can see his arms.
Maxie: Oh. Well. That's okay then.
Tris: Duh. Anyway, I had to watch that scene again, audio-only, just to hear what he said.
Maxie: You know, you can see his arms in one scene of 'House' too. When he's with Stacy-
Tris: I know! And, ohmygod, he's completely shirtless in that scene. So beautiful, I couldn't even bring myself to resent the het-shipping.
Maxie: He is a very distracting man, isn't he?
Tris: Oh, god, yes.
Maxie: He totally doesn't deserve all the beatings Stephen Fry keeps giving him.
Tris: We-ell. . .he did say that he asks for it sometimes. And did you see the look on his face when he said it?
Maxie: It was a very hot look.
Tris: And I'm sure I'm not the only one who was thinking about masochism.
Maxie: Kinky. Which reminds me, he even makes a hot woman.
Tris: I know! I saw the words 'Hugh Laurie in a dress' on the back of the third season, and I'll admit, I squeed a little.
Maxie: So that was you. You know, cross-dressing usually squicks me a little.
Tris: I know what you mean. I mean, no offence, but most transvestites just look kind of creepy.
Maxie: Mm-hm. But Hugh can totally pull it off.
Tris: And he totally has the legs for a skirt, too.
Maxie: *begining of brittish accents* Doesn't he, though? And they certainly didn't show that onscreen nearly enough. What, twice?
Tris: Actually, I think it was closer to three or four times.
Maxie: Oh, right. And some of the wigs he wears just look absolutely natural.
Tris: Like that one, um, shoulder length, brunette, um. . .
Maxie: Sort of hiting at auburn?
Tris: That's the one.
Maxie: I love that one.
Tris: Even better is season two.
Maxie: God yes. And , and, he can even do a woman's voice properly.
Tris: I know! It's just - it's a beautiful thing, doesn't even sound forced. God.
Maxie: Of course, his singing voice isn't half bad either. I mean, even with those mostly crap lyrics - sorry - his singing voice is still amazingly hot.
Tris: I know! If the lyrics weren't such shit - sorry - I'd have put it on repeat by now.
Maxie: Oh, I wouldn't just love to listen to him sing all night.
Tris: There are some other sounds I'd like to hear from him all night.
(Stephen: I'm going to walk away and pretend I didn't hear that.)
Tris: I mean, there's something so innately shag-able about him.
Maxie: Oh, god, yes. He's like sex on legs. I'd do him in a heartbeat.
Tris: A heartbeat? Isn't that rather quick?
Maxie: . . .
Tris: I mean, I'd have figured, especially at his age now, that it'd take at least-
Maxie: Its just an expression!
Tris: An expression?
Maxie: Yes, an expression. Like, say. . ."I'd do him given half a chance."
Tris: Oh, no, you've got to wait until you've got at least three quarters of a chance.
Maxie: What?
Tris: Well, because, otherwise there'd be shouts of "Rape!" and those sorts of lawsuits are such a bother, you know?
Maxie: . . .
Tris: Well, this is awkward.
Maxie: I think we've gotten rather off topic.
Tris: Oh, so we have. Well. Let's remedy that.
Maxie: . . .Um. . .How?
Tris: Erm. . .I don't know. Now would be a nice place for an amusing and convenient interruption.
Maxie: . . .
Tris: . . .
Maxie: . . .
Tris: . . .
Maxie: . . .Or not. Where the hell is she?
Tris: I guess she's not coming.
Maxie: . . .
Tris: Alright, lets just skip straight on to the next bit.
Maxie: Oh, alright. Oh, oh, I know! Do you like Hugh better in-!
Riza: Nobody panic, I'm here!
Maxie: . . .You're late.
Riza: Sorry. I got caught in traffic.
Maxie: You live next door.
Riza: . . .Right. So. Firstly, you need better adjectives.
Tris: Huh?
Riza: Adjectives. Describing words. You need better ones.
Tris: What? Why?
Riza: The only one's you've used so far have been 'hot' and 'beautiful'.
Maxie: That's not true. Earlier, I used 'attractive' and 'gorgeous' and Tris used 'pet-able'.
Riza: That's not even a word. Now, gorgeous is good. Gorgeous is a beautiful word, you should definately use that one again. Now, how about 'lovely', 'stunning', 'sexy'.
Tris: 'Amazing', 'delicious', 'yummy'.
Maxie: Those are brilliant.
Riza: 'Brilliant', that's another one.
Maxie: Got any more?
Riza: 'Alluring', 'divine', 'fine', 'foxy', 'magnificent', 'mesmeric', 'pretty', and 'temping'. That's all you'll get from me today.
Maxie: Fine. And secondly?
Riza: Pardon?
Maxie: Well, you said 'firstly', I assume that means theres a 'secondly', maybe even a 'thirdly'.
Riza: No, no 'thirdly'. Now, secondly. You two are aware of how preppy you sound, right?
Maxie: . . .
Tris: . . .
Maxie: Oh shit.
Tris: I've just lost all respect for you.
Maxie: And I've just lost all respect for you.
Tris: Good.
Maxie: Good.
Riza: And on that note, I think I'll leave.
Maxie: . . .
Tris: . . .
Maxie: . . .
Tris: . . .So.
Maxie: So.
Tris: Well, so long as we're here, we might as well. . .?
Maxie: I don't see why not. Where was I?
Tris: You were about to ask me if I liked Hugh better in. . .?
Maxie: Oh, alright. Oh, oh, I know! Do you like Hugh better in a suit, or in casual clothes.
Tris: I'd like him better in nothing at all.
Maxie: Wouldn't we all. But, if you had to choose.
Tris: If I had to choose. . .Actually, I'd like him better in a dress.
Maxie: Again, wouldn't we all. But if you had to choose.
Tris: If I had to choose. . .Well, I'd like him better in tights.
Maxie: Oh, like in the swordfight at the end of season one?
Tris: Exactly. Doesn't he look marvelous in tights.
Maxie: Mm-hm. But, then, he looks amazing in anything.
Tris: I know!
Maxie: Right, but, if you had to choose. Suit or casual clothes.
Tris: If I had to choose. Well, suit, I suppose. It does have the benefit of slight kinkiness.
Maxie: Tie?
Tris: Tie.
Maxie: Asphixiation or bondage?
Tris: Bit of each, actually. Even just dragging him around by it. Such a lovely visual.
Maxie: Mm-hm. Whoa, when did we start using these brittish accents?
Tris: Oh, somewhere around "Doesn't he, though? And they certainly didn't show" blah blah blah.
Maxie: How the hell did you remember that?
Tris: I've got a copy of the scrept, see. Here - "Maxie: *begining of brittish accents* Doesn't he, though?" blah blah blah.
Maxie: You know, this would go a lot quicker if you'd just leave the bloody forth wall alone!
Tris: Right. So, what haven't we talked about yet?
Maxie: Well, interestingly enough, there is one thing.
Tris: Really, what?
(Stephen: See, Hugh, I told you there were people in there.)
Maxie: Well, we haven't talked about his arse yet.
Tris: We. . .haven't?
Maxie: I don't know. We really should have, because its such a beautiful bottom. Draws your eye every time he turns around.
Tris: I know! It's spectacular, isn't it?
Maxie: Mm-hm. That episode, where they were talking about bottom-fondling?
Tris: With the cd player?
Maxie: That's the one. THe entire time ther'e talking about fondling bottoms, I'm thinking -
Tris and Maxie: "I'd gladly fondle his!"
(Hugh: Eep.)
Tris: What else haven't we talked about yet?
Maxie: Hum, lets see. . .Accent, hair, eyes, tongue, hands, arms, shirtless, masochism, cross dressing, legs, singing, shagability, outfits, tie, and arse.
Tris: Well, unless you're counting imlications, we've yet to mention his smile.
Maxie: Oh, yes, he doesn't have a pretty simele, doesn't he?
Tris: I know. Actually, he's got quite a pretty mouth, regardless of whether he's smiling or not.
(Hugh: Who are they Stephen? Stalkers?)
(Stephen: No, Hugh, I'm afraid its even worse that that.)
(Hugh: You don't mean-?)
(Stephen: Yes, Hugh. They're. . .fangirls!)
(Hugh: Nooooooo!)
Maxie: That look he gets, when he knows he's in trouble?
Tris: Oh, sort of awkward, brows hurrowed. Like, after he admitted to standing naked in front of a mirror, with a radish and-
Maxie: Don't go any further. Thats. . .kind of squicky.
Tris: Its certainly kinky. And the visual, if you ignore the radish. . .
Maxie: Now that's an image I could get behind.
Tris: Or in front of.
Maxie: Its just an expression, Tris.
(Stephen: Oh, I am sorry, Hugh.)
(Hugh: What? No you're not. You probably set this whole thing up just to make me squirm.)
(Stephen: Well, I do enjoy watching you squirm. But, no, I regret to say, this time, I've got nothing to do with it.)
(Hugh: What do we do?)
(Stephen: There's only one thing we can do. You'll have to go in there and get rid of them.
Hugh: What?! Why me?)
(Stephen: Because I'm a lazy twat. Now, take this earpiece and follow my instructions carefully.
Hugh: Oh. . .alright.)
Tris: It's Hugh Laurie! Oh my gawd! He's even cuter in person!
Hugh: Help.
(Stephen: Smile.)
Hugh: <smiles>
Tris and Maxie: <simper>
(Stephen: Now, wink.)
Hugh: <winks>
Tris and Maxie: <stare>
(Stephen: Remove your jacket, loosen your ties.)
Hugh: <removes jacket, loosens tie>
Tris and Maxie: <drool>
(Stephen: Now, say "Hello, ladies" and take a bow.)
Hugh: Hello, ladies, and take a bow.
(Stephen: <facepalm>)
Tris and Maxie: Squeeeeeeeeeeeeee! <in comas>
Hugh: . . .
Stephen: . . .
Hugh: . . .
Stephen: . . .
Hugh: . . .Now what?
Stephen: Hmm. . .I'm not quite sure. Fade to the credits, I suppose.
Credits: <roll>

Tris - Cecilia Evans
Maxie - Clarissa Evans (A Moment In Subtext)
Riza - Clarissa Evans (A Moment In Subtext)
Hugh Laurie - written by Cecilia Evans
Stephen Fry - written by Cecilia Evans